Talking About The Past

Hiya I’m back!!!

This post is kinda inspired by Hayley Williams’ talk about her mental health and how she regrets dating her ex because how much it fucking crushed her. Well my post is kinda similar.

A few years ago, I was a naive little girl who was in a “happy” relationship with the person who I thought I was going to marry and have plenty of children and dogs with. We picked out the dog breeds and everything. Scale back to now, I am a happy, much older, woman who happens to be single. Funny how things change right?

I’m not saying I wasn’t happy at the time. I was over the fucking moon. So much in fact that I was changing myself to suit them. I stopped dressing alternative to fit in with them, I then went back to dressing alternative in fear that they fell in love with emo me and would stop loving me, and then I stopped again. I CONSTANTLY changed things about myself to make them happier. I did anything to please them when in reality, I could’ve found someone who wanted everything about me.

I stopped talking about my mental health because I thought it was a burden. I bottled everything up until I relapsed and unfortunately for me, they broke up with me anyway.

It wasn’t a healthy relationship at all. I wasn’t in a healthy place either. I wrote a shit ton of posts about my struggles getting out of this relationship because it was difficult.

It was my first proper relationship and I bent and broke myself to fit their mould of what they wanted from me. So when it was gone, my entire being shattered. I didn’t know who I was. I still don’t. I damn near killed myself for them to love me.

So fast forward a year, I’m in a better place. I am single but loving every second. I’d rather be single and loving myself than losing myself for a boy who pretended to love me. It ruined me to high hell and now I’m in a drastically better place. I tweeted a while back this:

Because this is how I feel lately. I feel nothing whenever I see them around town. When I saw them even a few months back, all I thought was “please why don’t you fucking love me” but now all I can imagine is how much they put me through and how I wouldn’t be an ounce of the caring, positive and kind individual I am today without them putting me through that. I guess that’s one thing that came out of that relationship.

I’m also more open about my mental health than ever. If I’m struggling, I voice it to my friends. If I feel like shit, I voice it to my friends. If I feel happy, I VOICE IT TO MY FRIENDS. I don’t hide anything anymore in fear that I would get judged or pushed under the carpet.

All I’m saying is, just because your partner doesn’t hit you or hurt you in any other way physically, doesn’t mean they aren’t abusive. Abuse comes in many forms and I wish I realised that at the time. I hope you all have a wonderful day.

christmas exit

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just a girl who loves spreading positivity

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