Hiya everyone! Just before I get into this post, I thought I’d mention that I recently started a Youtube channel! I upload every Sunday (and maybe have some surprise videos as and when) so chances are, you’ve missed a cheeky upload! Please go and subscribe and show me love because it’s scary business!
In a world where everyone adores the hourglass, small body, it’s difficult to be yourself when you’re anything other than what you see in the magazines. It is truly hard but it’s so so amazing when you finally get over that gigantic hurdle. Just a heads up, going to be having a chat about eating disorders and body image so if you’re sensitive to that, there ya go!
I thought I’d let you know that I am so incredibly happy to be a size fourteen. This is kinda a lie because I do dabble in between size twelve and fourteen BUT I have started to just buy size fourteens for the sake of myself. It’s weird because with skinny jeans, I’m a size twelve and to a degree, they are a little big on me. BUT with mom jeans, if you think I could fit into twelves, you’d be fibbing to ya self. Same with trousers.
Anyway I digress because to be honest, that part of my sizing doesn’t really matter to me anymore. When I was gaining weight in recovery (I wasn’t that underweight, but I required weight gain), I was planning on gaining weight up until pre-mental illness me, which was a size ten. I was terrified of that size but I knew I had to do it because that was me all healthy. Turns out, that was not my set point at all. I was just in puberty before I got ill so obviously if I was well, I would have naturally gained weight. My set point was so much higher.
Twas a twelve. It literally was shit-my-pants worthy. Now I want to inform you guys, NO WAY IN HELL AM I HATING ON THIS SIZE, I AM THIS SIZE NOW AND LOVING IT, BUT AS A BRAIN WHO STRUGGLES WITH BODY IMAGE AND HAD SUCH A DESIRE TO BE TEENY TINY AND THEN TO BE TOLD YOU HAD TO GAIN THIS MANY SIZES UP, IT’S SCARY. THE WAY YOU SEE YOURSELF IS WAY DIFFERENT TO HOW YOU SEE EVERYONE ELSE. I managed to get to that point and it just kept gaining on me which was both terrifying but also confusing, why wasn’t I stopping?
Fast forward a year or two to now, here I am. Loving life. I’m so proud of my size because of how far I’ve came with my body image. Well into my body dysmorphia (which PSA: I still struggle with from time to time, definitely haven’t recovered but it’s getting easier) I never would have imagined future Sophie being happy at the weight she is. Even when I was my worst, I still wasn’t happy. It goes to show that no matter how much weight you lose, your disordered brain will never be satisfied.
I don’t really know how to end this post at all because all I wanted to kinda do was show off at my mental health recovery progress hahhaa. But all I want to say is if you’re struggling at an eating disorder, body dysmorphia or ANY other mental health issue, please hang on in there. The world is so much better with you in it and once you decide to recover, life can only go up. I’m here to speak to you about everything and anything. I wish you all the wellness in the world.