Hiya everyone! Just before I get into this post, I thought I’d mention that I recently started a Youtube channel! I upload every Sunday (and maybe have some surprise videos as and when) so chances are, you’ve missed a cheeky upload! Please go and subscribe and show me love because it’s scary business!
Many of you probably know that I dropped out of university in 2017 after having a really bad mental health relapse (edit: any mental health relapse is bad, I don’t mean to talk down anyone else’s struggles) and I’ve spent this whole year from then going back to college to retake my alevels to get into a university closer to home and of course, get my mental health back on track.
I did the first one. I got an unconditional offer at a university in Birmingham to study history. I was planning on studying history when I went to university in Manchester so I still am planning on doing the exact same thing. My course is so so much better though so maybe that was the Earth’s way of telling me that I went to university a year early. As I’m writing this, I am in the middle of my A2 exams so I can’t tell you what I’ve got as of yet but I did have to pick up an AS which was finance and I got a B! So that’s all going good.
As for the latter, let’s just say I’m a work in progress. My overall mental health definitely isn’t as bad as it was in September OR October of 2017, or even November. But it’s not perfect. I mean is anyone’s? But you get what I mean – my mental health isn’t at the state it was in June of 2017 let’s argue.
Sure, I am getting back on track and that’s exciting but I still have such a long long LONG way to go. It’s just like a long distance runner doing a marathon; it’s great and all that they are half way through the marathon but they still have the other half to go to complete their goals. It’s just kinda like that.
I don’t want to sound like a debbie downer here but hear me out, okay. I genuinely don’t think I’m ever going to get better. I think the term “better” is subjective and with some mental illnesses, it’s difficult to decide when a person is well again. For many, it isn’t possible and it’s more important to work on the symptoms and how the individual deals with the difficult scenarios and situations they are put in. So no, I don’t think I’m ever going to ever get back to pre-mental illness me – 2011 me.
I think it definitely is possible for me to get to 2017 me though. I was in a much better place mentally. I ate well. I loved life and myself. I didn’t hate any part of me for the most part of the day. I was somewhat happy. Of course I had down days but for the most part, I was great.
And that’s my goal. It’s an extremely difficult one because whilst I want to get back to that old me, I also don’t want to stop progressing. I want to improve my eating habits. I want to love and live my life more than I did. I want to adore every part of me, worship the ground I walked on.