Hiya everyone! Just before I get into this post, I thought I’d mention that I recently started a Youtube channel! I upload every Sunday (and maybe have some surprise videos as and when) so chances are, you’ve missed a cheeky upload! Please go and subscribe and show me love because it’s scary business!
Before we get started on this blog post, I wanna say I haven’t just stopped taking it on the spur of the moment, I eased off it with a lot of thought prior. I knew it was best for me and I’ve thought that for a while. Also, I don’t recommend you personally coming off medication without talking to your doctor first.
I’ve came off my mental health medication. First off, I was on propranolol for anxiety and mirtazapine for intense mood swings. I had been on propranolol since 2012 (ish) and mirtazapine since December 2015. They were only meant to be temporary until I got therapy but if you live in the UK then you know that it would have never been temporary. Spoiler: still waiting for that therapy.
I took the decision upon myself (would not recommend, SPEAK TO YOUR DAMN DOCTOR) around January of this year to come off my medication. To put a long story short, I was completely numb. I felt no feelings, ever. If I felt happy, it was a numbed down happy and it was never complete. If I felt sadness, I don’t even know what I felt. It wasn’t worthy of an emotion. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t get ~too~ angry. When I say I didn’t feel anything, I truly couldn’t.
Whilst these drugs helped me not feel so empty, they also made the feelings of emptiness worse? I don’t know how to explain it haha. I know 100% if I didn’t get put on medication when I did, I wouldn’t be here. Simple as that. I know that this medication helped me come out of a massive deep ass rut, to a slightly smaller one. I’m entirely grateful for that.
Because of this emptiness, I couldn’t feel emotions such as love. I got to a point in November 2017 where I wanted to date again after the horrible break up I had earlier in the year and I did date. A couple of people. I just didn’t feel a fucking thing. I was interested but I couldn’t feel anything that allowed me to become more invested. These relationships soon crumbled and who knows, they could’ve been the love of my life but I didn’t know?
Now this wasn’t just the inability to feel emotions that these drugs did to me. I lost all motivation for anything. I know it’s quite ironic, a drug deemed an antidepressant gave your already established symptoms of a mood disorder, an opportunity to thrive. If any of you know me, you know how much I plummeted during the months March 2017 to December 2017. I didn’t care about my grades or myself. And now it’s been months since I’ve stopped taking them, my motivation is back. I want to do well in my alevels and university.
I’m not anti drugs for mental health before I get those comments or those thoughts enter your mind. If a drug helps you with your mental health then so be it. You go for that. Heck, they personally helped me get my life back. I was a hollow shell beforehand and for the few months during but that’s another story.
I think drugs are vital for some people during recovery and I wouldn’t look away from them if I relapsed again (let’s hope not but you get my point!). I wouldn’t turn my nose up at people if they inform me that they are on medication for their mental health.