Why I’ve Stopped Taking My Medication

Hiya everyone! Just before I get into this post, I thought I’d mention that I recently started a Youtube channel! I upload every Sunday (and maybe have some surprise videos as and when) so chances are, you’ve missed a cheeky upload! Please go and subscribe and show me love because it’s scary business!

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBxyLhN7ZlrZeyD0SDHPSqg

Before we get started on this blog post, I wanna say I haven’t just stopped taking it on the spur of the moment, I eased off it with a lot of thought prior. I knew it was best for me and I’ve thought that for a while. Also, I don’t recommend you personally coming off medication without talking to your doctor first.

I’ve came off my mental health medication. First off, I was on propranolol for anxiety and mirtazapine for intense mood swings. I had been on propranolol since 2012 (ish) and mirtazapine since December 2015. They were only meant to be temporary until I got therapy but if you live in the UK then you know that it would have never been temporary. Spoiler: still waiting for that therapy.

I took the decision upon myself (would not recommend, SPEAK TO YOUR DAMN DOCTOR) around January of this year to come off my medication. To put a long story short, I was completely numb. I felt no feelings, ever. If I felt happy, it was a numbed down happy and it was never complete. If I felt sadness, I don’t even know what I felt. It wasn’t worthy of an emotion. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t get ~too~ angry. When I say I didn’t feel anything, I truly couldn’t.

Whilst these drugs helped me not feel so empty, they also made the feelings of emptiness worse? I don’t know how to explain it haha. I know 100% if I didn’t get put on medication when I did, I wouldn’t be here. Simple as that. I know that this medication helped me come out of a massive deep ass rut, to a slightly smaller one. I’m entirely grateful for that.

Because of this emptiness, I couldn’t feel emotions such as love. I got to a point in November 2017 where I wanted to date again after the horrible break up I had earlier in the year and I did date. A couple of people. I just didn’t feel a fucking thing. I was interested but I couldn’t feel anything that allowed me to become more invested. These relationships soon crumbled and who knows, they could’ve been the love of my life but I didn’t know?

Now this wasn’t just the inability to feel emotions that these drugs did to me. I lost all motivation for anything. I know it’s quite ironic, a drug deemed an antidepressant gave your already established symptoms of a mood disorder, an opportunity to thrive. If any of you know me, you know how much I plummeted during the months March 2017 to December 2017. I didn’t care about my grades or myself. And now it’s been months since I’ve stopped taking them, my motivation is back. I want to do well in my alevels and university.

I’m not anti drugs for mental health before I get those comments or those thoughts enter your mind. If a drug helps you with your mental health then so be it. You go for that. Heck, they personally helped me get my life back. I was a hollow shell beforehand and for the few months during but that’s another story.

I think drugs are vital for some people during recovery and I wouldn’t look away from them if I relapsed again (let’s hope not but you get my point!). I wouldn’t turn my nose up at people if they inform me that they are on medication for their mental health.

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13 thoughts on “Why I’ve Stopped Taking My Medication

  1. I hope what I say doesn’t sound ignorant. Medication for any ailment and illness is so different for each person, everyone finds a different dose helpful or even a different medication under the same category (antidepressants for example) will work better for certain people. It’s kind of scary to think whether a person is medicated or not there is no ‘normal’ way to feel because we’re all different and react and have emotions that make us individuals. Each person has triggers and signs when they know something doesn’t feel right and I guess it’s called intuition for a reason. Thank you for sharing and being honest x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m so sorry to hear that your medications made you feel that way! I hope coming off of them helps you, but I’m glad you understand that being on them was helpful when you needed it- that way you aren’t too afraid to go back if you happen to not react well to being off of them (if that makes sense). Good luck is what I’m trying to say haha

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have taken medication for my mental health for the past few years whilst I have been in full-time education but I am hoping to come off it once I have a job and some stability in my life. I 100% support people taking medication for mental health, although I am a bit wary of how quickly Doctors will prescribe medication to people without properly discussing the side effects – for example prescribing beta blockers for anxiety which is essentially a heart medication! xx

    Like

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