Hiya! This post was provoked after watching listening to Kalel’s video on why she’s depressed and alone. The gist of her video was a response to a lot of comments from people who have told her that she needs to stay single for a while in order to “find herself”.
I totally agree with what she said. Her common response was that just because she has been in a lot of relationships, doesn’t mean she needs to find herself. Kalel is known for dating one of the Smosh guys (idk what their names are lol) and when they separated, she dated someone else almost quickly and stayed in a long-term relationship – people portray her as someone who has always been in a relationship. She even said herself that the longest she has been out of a relationship is just over a month.
Anyway, the point of this post is not about her haha, it’s about the message of the video she posted.
I often hear when you come out of a relationship that you should spend a lot of time alone in order to reinvent yourself or find yourself if you’re a lot younger. It kinda puts the message across that when you’re in a relationship, you are unable to find who you are.
I was in a relationship for the majority of my teenage years and even though I am no longer in it, I grew up with that person by my side. Being in that relationship did not prevent me from growing as a person or prevent me from finding myself. That’s not true at all. If married people have been married for the majority of their life, are they incapable of finding themselves? Of course not so I don’t know why it’s different for relationships that don’t have a certificate or a ring involved.
That common advice after a break up is so annoying to me because simply, everyone is different. Some people thrive being single but some people also thrive being in one. I don’t personally know how I thrive because in retrospect, I am still young to know that. But still, I don’t feel the need to comment on how different people thrive.
I truly believe that people should stop comparing what they do to how people should behave. Does that make sense? No? Let me explain. If I was going through something and I dealt with it in a certain way, it would be very wrong for me to assume someone going through a similar situation should have to deal with it in the exact same way I did and if they didn’t, I would judge them. I just don’t think we should do that. We should accept that people struggle through things very differently and not every way to deal with a terrible problem is linear. It’s different for everyone.
I hope this makes any kind of sense.
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I totally agree that you can work on yourself & find yourself while in a relationship. especially if it’s a healthy relationship, then you can grow together. YES to different people thriving & dealing differently. you’re always so inclusive & I love that 🙂
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Thank you so much!! That makes me so happy that you think that ahh!!
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I agree with this post 100 percent. Comparing ourselves to other people can cause a lot of problems. Everyone is different and needs to embrace that. I find that if I’m ever in that phase of comparing myself to other people I take a short break from social media. It helps tremendously.
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Thank you!! Definitely taking a break from social media HELPS!
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I’ve never been in an adult relationship so I don’t really know but I would compare it to a friendship – you can grow with them or you can grow away from them whilst still being your own person. If they start to contest the person you are becoming, then perhaps you have grown out of them and it is time to let them go. I’ve never thought that being in a relationship should hold you back. xx
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Me neither! I think if I was dating someone or friends with someone like you said and they prevented me from truly being me, they would be out the window so fast! xx
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I think that the idea of taking time to find yourself might be good advice if someone was always putting their partner’s needs first to the point that they neglected their own needs, but aside from that people should just do whatever feels right to them and to hell with what anybody else thinks.
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One of the best things about my relationship with my wife is that we are different people. We have some common interests of course but we have our own space and our own hobbies. It is healthy (for us at least) to have this space as it allows us to be keep in touch with that side of ourselves and lets us grow as individuals while still being together (if that makes sense?). I love my wife to the ends of the earth but I don’t want to do everything with her and I know that she wouldn’t want to do some of the things I do.
Everyone is different and I always feel a little sad inside when we are made to feel like we should compare ourselves to each other when we should just be allowed to be ourselves 🙂 xx
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That’s great! I too think that is super healthy. Of course you don’t have to do things together all the time. I think it’s important to have your own friends too, like completely separate from each other! xx
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You have articulated it so perfectly. ❤
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Thank you!
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It depends on the person. Each life experience changes as we grow older. I can say, we always come to a point in life, where reflection comes to mind and evolution must occur. I cannot speak for how others choose to build their relationships. Just be wise and safe!
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That’s what I mean! Like it’s not set in stone that if you’re in a relationship, that you stop growing and if you’re single, it’s not automatic growth!
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this is a really interesting post, I was the same as you and was in a longterm relationship throughout the most important years of my life and although you adapt your lifestyle to theirs when in a relationship it does help create who you are. Its important to think more selfish after a breakup though because at the end of the day you are the only one who can bring you back to yourself once again
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Wow I like your writing! I like the fact that the purpose of this post is not to deliver a message like ‘you should do this or that’. I respect that everyone has their own right to choose their status and even if they follow a saint’s advice and do exactly what the saint says, the results can be different.
Anyway, I started to follow your blog because you clicked like for one of my posts and I really want to make my blog where anyone can share their own opinions like yours is. 🙂
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