Hiya everyone! Just to clarify, by drinking I mean alcohol – I do enjoy drinking the normal drink of water or squash etc hahaha!
I don’t like drinking alcohol. And that’s pretty much it.
I have been drinking alcohol quite a lot recently but that’s simply because I wanted to fit in. I so desperately wanted to fit in with all my friends who loved going out drinking on the weekends and also to fit in with the student stereotype. It just isn’t for me, at all. It makes me uncomfortable when I do drink and that’s just simply my fault.
I tried so hard to like drinking and I always feel like I’ve let my friends down because I never want to go out. And that’s because I don’t like being around drunk people when I’m sober and that’s really all there is to it. Because of this, I don’t really go out when my friends do all that much and I can’t help but feel like I’m disappointing them.
I hear your questions; “an eighteen year old, who doesn’t like binge drinking?! this cannot be!?!!!!!!”. Yes you’re right and I can’t really help it. I think it stems from when I just don’t like being out of control. My anxiety makes me feel out of control majority of the time so if I can stop that, I will do. I shouldn’t feel guilty about it.
I also have reallllllllyyyyy bad experiences with alcohol. I don’t want to get into it completely because I’m aware the people who I’m talking about should have their privacy but the fear is ingrained in me because of those experiences so I think I should briefly share it. I’ve watched people become heavily dependent on alcohol. I’ve watched people get in such a terrible way due to alcohol. Whenever I’ve drank alcohol, it hasn’t ended well. That’s probably why I’m kinda scared of alcohol, I just fear that what happened to them, will happen to me.
I’m not saying I’m going to totally avoid alcohol because there will be times when I have a drink or even a couple drinks. BECAUSE. I. HAVE. TO. FIT. IN. I have the fear that if I don’t drink, my friends will desert me because I’ve somehow deserted them. I need to get over that because it’s mentally straining on me. I’m telling myself I have to do certain things in order to fit in and that necessarily isn’t my fault (probably links to how I was treated in high school) but like I said, I need to stop it!
I think what also doesn’t help is I went through a phase when I was around fifteen (not condoning underage drinking AT ALL!!!) where I drank just to feel numb. I was going through a pretty heavy depressive episode and I relied on alcohol quite frequently to not feel the struggle I was going through. I guess what I’m saying is, I think I’ve kinda pushed the thought into my head that I only want alcohol if I’m sad and I KNOW drinking whilst sad isn’t a good idea. So if that makes sense at all, I think I’ve pushed the fear into my little brain that if I drink alcohol I’ll feel numb and sadder than usual and that’s something I definitely don’t want to experience again!
I’m not going to lie and I think alcohol tastes horrible because some of it, at least what I’ve tried, tastes frickin good. I think I can easily go out for a meal and have an alcoholic cocktail because those taste amazing but what I’m saying is, I don’t think I enjoy getting plastered at all. I just don’t see the interest in it.
Let me know if you guys feel the same at all?! I feel like I’m the odd one out here hahaha! I hope you have the loveliest day ever!