Hiya everyone! Today’s post is about something a little different from what I normally write about. I don’t like to write about negative things but what I do like is writing about negativity with a positive light AND that’s what I’m going to do. I haven’t really mentioned this all that often because it is still kinda raw and painful for me, but I’m going to talk about it now in hope that it will make me feel a lot better about myself and the situation.
Throughout primary school, everyone liked each other and it was really that simple. I don’t think anyone in my primary school (at least my year, because I didn’t really associate with any other year) was picked on or excluded because we were very close knit and it was really that simple. We had a “buddy” system where I think at least two people in the class were given the role as a buddy and if they saw anyone get bullied or picked on, they were to do something about it and if in the odd chance, something did happen, it was stopped.
It all changed when we went to high school, everyone separated into different high schools and we weren’t a close knit class anymore. Obviously when you’re in high school, your class is so much bigger and the close knit relationship wasn’t possible anymore. It went from nothing more than thirty to a sudden hundred plus people. It was scary.
Everyone clearly clashed because not everyone came from the same area and upbringing. Unfortunately me, a shy chubby eleven year old, I was open to bullying. Now I’m not going to say I was incredibly bullied because truth be told, it wasn’t all too bad but that may just be me sugarcoating it?
There was the “cool people” clique at high school and I was typically not involved or allowed to be involved with them. Some of them were lovely but some were not as lovely. There was a group of boys in that clique who used to constantly make fun of the way I looked or just the way I was. I had quite a lot of lessons with them so it happened a lot. I don’t think I actually told anyone at the time because as every person who is bullied is like, I was embarrassed. I didn’t want to be the person who was bullied, ya know?
Anyway, fast forward until maybe year nine, and it died down. A lot. I think it was because in year eight and nine, you got put into the correct classes and fortunately, I was a lot more academically intelligent (I say academically because they could have still been clever, but not in an academic way) so I was no where near them for a couple years. It was peaceful. I was still picked on if I saw them in school halls or outside walking to lessons. It wasn’t ever anything major because I didn’t see them a lot anymore but I still did get laughed at because I was “ugly” or “fat” and I remember frequently being pushed into walls and tripped over. I guess I can understand why I developed some form of disordered eating because of the comments but anyway that’s not the point.
Until year eleven I just had to deal with the occasionally comments and actions and to be honest, it didn’t really bother me because I had so many friends. See that’s one thing that the stereotype of bullying does fit, because I had friends, I was loved, I wasn’t lonely. In my final year of high school, I had my support for my mental health issues so I dropped a couple GCSE’s (German, PE and English Lit) and because I dropped those, my timetable changed. I was put into an RE (religious education) class with guess who, those boys. I bet you saw that coming.
They didn’t really bother me because I was with one of my friends who also dropped a couple of GCSE’s but there was a lot more comments than I was used to. There was also two girls who were very loud and very confident. I envied them because I wanted to be that confident but it’s clear to me now that their confidence was just an effort to be liked and it wasn’t real in any case. One occasion that sticks to mind when I think of my classes with them is, all of them on a table staring at me and pointing. I couldn’t quite hear everything they were saying because I was the other side of the room but I do remember hearing “why does she even bother coming to school with that ugly face” and “I have no clue why she has confidence, I wouldn’t if I looked like her”. After around six months, one of the girls left because she had a baby so the other girl was a lot more quiet. Some of the boys got kicked out for bad behaviour.
I finished my GCSE’s and now I’ve finished my a levels. I’ve grown a lot more since those days. I’m a lot more confident and I think if I had to deal with that stuff now, I would have stood up for myself and wouldn’t have cared and they would have stopped. I think because they got a reaction, they continued. The reason behind my post is that if for any reason, they are reading this – I won.
I won because I’m the better individual. I didn’t stoop to your level, I came out on top. I came out of all of that, a bright and shining confident person and what have you done? You affected me and hurt me then but you don’t continue to do so. Yes, maybe if I hear someone whispering near me or if I get roasted by my friends, it stings a little but it’s nothing more than that. Nothing more. What did bullying me really achieve?
Anyway, for anyone reading this, you are not alone and you are so strong. I love you and I hope you have a very lovely day.