Hi. How are you guys doing??
Having depression and an optimistic mind is sometimes overlooked. ‘You can’t be depressed and think positively!’ People say. Where in some cases, that’s true, it can still happen. When people typically refer to depression, the sufferer can’t laugh, smile or just enjoy themselves in general – there are no signs of happiness at all in their personality.
Depression can take over your life and decide your mood. It can make you think irrationally and make you feel completely alone in the world. But it’s possible to be a happy person with depression and I’m one of those people.
I am a typically sad person on a daily basis. I can’t help it – it’s just who I am. No matter how much fun I may be having, or how happy I may feel, there is a permanent sadness lingering in the back of my mind and especially when I’m alone, I’ll feel extreme emptiness and sadness.
I’m a naturally sad person deep down, there’s a really dark side of me that I don’t enjoy letting out, only when I’m alone. I don’t like letting myself be ‘out’ to people so I compress the depressive thoughts to the back back back of my mind and then, I’ll just feel numb or have no emotion at all (which probably isn’t best).
Alas, my depression doesn’t mean I can’t feel tiny bouts of happiness and optimism. I am in a good mood, I’d say, around 60% of the time. And even if I’m not, I am able to appear to be in one or I’ll try my very hardest to reach that point. I also don’t like people being in bad/low moods either, I try so so hard to help them as positively as I can – which is weird because I’ll try much harder to help others than I do myself.
I hate not being able to control my emotions myself, it feels like someone else has the buttons in my brain to control how I feel. It’s horribly frustrating and leaves you feeling defeated and broken.
But, I still refuse to let my depression control me. Although depression is a war within your own mind, that you and you alone can feel, I refuse to let it put me in a constant state of sadness. I’m someone who is passionate and loves to laugh and smile and have a good time and I’m not going to ever let depression take that away from me.
Now, I have absolutely no idea if this post is getting anywhere, I feel as though I’m babbling for the most part. However, depression and optimism is a very very strange thing to live with to be honest. Parts of your brain are like ‘give up, just be sad’ whilst the other parts are screaming for you to try.
Sometimes people don’t believe people like me are depressed, someone who tries to find the positive side to everything. But what they don’t see is how hard it is to maintain that. It’s one thing trying to be positive constantly WITHOUT depression, it’s a whole different war trying to do so with depression.
But what I don’t allow anyone to see, what’s going on the inside that really matters. They don’t see how I am when I’m by myself, all alone in the ‘comfort’ of my own thoughts. They don’t see any dark thoughts. I don’t allow them to see or hear the thoughts inside my brain that toy with the idea of killing myself just to get over those thoughts. Well, I’m here to tell you that just because you don’t see that darkness and gloominess on the outside, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist somewhere deep on the inside.
I appreciate whats around me a lot more, and I can also create sympathy for those who are dealing with any sort of pain in their head. You don’t have to appear wounded on the outside to be wounded on the inside. I’m happy, I’m positive, I’m optimistic, and I’m depressed.